Everybody Should Win:The need to Learn how to Resolve Conflict

“Two are better than one, because they have good return for their labour” Eccl. 4:9

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord” Hebrews 12:14

As a development consultant with some specialty in conflict management, working in the space for over a decade now, I can confirm that indeed life is inevitable without conflicts. But how we manage the process is key. The Bible references above reminds of the benefits we get from working together and also living in peace and above all the spiritual benefits. Living in peace facilitates holy living, which in turn makes us to see the Lord, in everything we do.

This article will be a form of review of Gary Chapman’s book “Everybody Wins: Guide to Solving Conflicts without Arguing” (if you can please get a copy for yourself). The goal of everyone, couples or people in relationship should be to resolve conflict without arguing.

We must first establish before proceeding that the foundation for living peacefully is understanding, understanding foster resolution and harmony. Every loving relationship is kept by understanding not by using argument. Our relationship will be strengthened if we can learn the art of resolving conflicts in positive ways. “Good marriages [even relationships] are based on friendship, not on winning arguments”.

If we want to have a growing spiritual, relationship and career paths, there is a need to also learn the art of having “difficult conversation” my mentor Brie Loskota an expert in the process of having difficult conversation said this about the process “Every time I get back from a training where I've led my typical material, the more I become convinced that the skill I'm most committed to helping people build is the ability to have honest, direct and difficult conversations.

The amount of energy being wasting on not having these conversations or spent in agony before/after they are had has so much greater potential use. Imagine what we could accomplish if we did not shy away from and knew how to effectively navigate conversations that cause us discomfort”

Learn to view differences in your partners and friends as assets. The word argue is known more in the legal field, they are made by attorneys to appeal to the jury’s sense of logic and reason. But we all know that the course of Justice is not always served in the courtroom. So when you choose to argue with your spouse or friends noted Gray Chapman in his book “you are electing to use a judicial system to convince your spouse of the truth or validity of your position. Unfortunately, what works fairly well in a court of law works very poorly in a marriage relationship [or any relationship at all], because there is no judge available to determine whether you or your spouse is ‘out of order’ “.

“Any victory won by means of an argument will be short lived. The loser will eventually come back with a new argument (or an old argument restated) in an effort to persuade his or her spouse…so you see, argument never resolve anything; they only reveal conflicts.”  And what is expected after every revelation of conflict it is for us to resolve it. Therefore the following to three steps I called KKL will help us to begin to manage our conflicts:

a.        Know first that conflict grows out of our uniqueness

b.        Know it is about attitude- check your attitude, think positive, seek respect, seek love, and seek togetherness.

c.        Learn to listen: learn the art of asking questions and clarify things as you listen.  “Most people will need to some training to become good listeners, please seek opportunity to grow.

So dear, I hope you have been able to pick some skills that would help alongside the Holy Spirit to manage conflict in your relationship. Invest in resource like books or attend leadership training to develop your listening skills. A final note “share your ideas only when your friends or spouse feels understood”.

God bless you!